As you may or may not already know, it’s the Jewish new year, and we’re currently in the throes of the high holidays. Now, not believing in anything much, as far as non-secular things go, I often find myself hard-pressed to figure out what these holidays mean in the cultural (and not in any way religious) sense. At the very least, it makes for a good excuse to weasel my way out of work. At best, it’s a fantastic excuse to really turn around and examine my life in some fundamental way. It was in that very Socratic spirit that my new Jewmate and I decided that it was time to leave behind our old, traditional methods of atoning for our various wrongdoings– that is to say, merely talking about them with our family members and loved ones– and attempt another approach. We articulated our needs, came up with some goals, and finally arrived at a plan:
We would drunk-dial our wrongdoings.
Of course, being in the same room as someone for so abasing a mission of self-absolution is impossible. Instead, we chose our respective atonees, crossed pinkies, and fled for opposite sides of the house. The rules dictated that we were through when we had achieved one of three possible outcomes:
1) We had, through the strength of our convictions and the power of this gesture, managed to mollify the person on the other end of the line. This is characterized by the “Aww” response.
2) We had, through the strength and apparentness of our self-loathing, managed to placate the person on the other end of the line. This is characterized by the “Yech” response.
3) We had, in the process of repentance, debased ourselves so badly that the injustice committed would forever stain our soul. This is, of course, characterized by the “fuck off and die” response, and were, of course, the subjects of the most shared glee.
If you were overlooked in this process, or called you too early on in the evening for the “good stuff,” please don’t hesitate to get loaded, grab someone you’ve only just met, and call me up to make amends.