Four things I should refrain from doing on a crowded MTA train:
1) Tear the dirty scarf out from beneath the clever hat laying atop the hipster’s head in front of him.
2) Brush the dandruff from the organ-grinder’s coat of the cute girl beside me.
3) Rip Joe NYU’s copy of that fucking Stoppard play he’s been jabbing into your back for the last fifteen minutes, & begin reading it as if nothing had transpired.
4) Start up an impromptu pole-dancing class for “all the mamas in the crowd.”